So that happened...

A month ago I turned 30.
It's a weird thing.
It feels awkward to say or even own. 
My body feels 30 I suppose.
I think the warranty ran out.

We spent the day on a beach in Mexico eating insane amounts of chips/guacamole/salsa and drinking fruity drinks.

It was lovely. I can think of no better way to turn 30. There was no e-mail/phone calls/facebook, just a day swimming with my best friend.

Here's to hoping the next 30 are just as interesting.

Important issues

The other night Husband and I were busy outlining our fall viewing schedule. It's important work you see...

It was a little touch and go for a while but we finally came to an agreement and this is the finished product. You see, for us our television habits are sacred. We have our shows and they are as important to us as date night is to other couples. (don't get me wrong, we have a standing Wednesday night date but that's beside the point...) Husband and I have a very strong bond when it comes to our shared love of pop culture. We can spend hours debating various aspects of our favorite shows and have been known to collapse into a heap of laughter over an obscure reference. For better or worse, pop culture is the thing that bind us... and I'm ok with that.
So let me break it down...

Oldies but Goodies:
1. How I Met You Mother
Probably one of our all time favorite shows. The depth of this show has no equal. Any show that has the ability to make me laugh and cry within the same 30 minute episode has no peers, in my opinion.
2. The Big Bang Theory
This show was a dark horse for me. Initially I hated it and thought it was cliche and just trying too hard, Husband insisted it was funny. Then they realized the Sheldon factor and it has since become my favorite show to quote incessantly. It makes me live for Thursday nights...
3. Community
Hands down the most underrated show on TV. Why more people don't love this show baffles me.
4. Criminal Minds
My nerd love for Spencer Reid is something Husband will never understand. However, he loves the show in that uncomplicated way guys love any cop drama.
5. The Simpsons/Family Guy/American Dad
I have loved The Simpsons for a staggering number of years now. Plus you physically cannot be in a bad mood while watching Family Guy/American Dad, they are far too inappropriate... 

Winners from last year:
1. Grimm
 This show is weird. I'll give you that, but it's also fascinating...
2. Once Upon a Time
 Don't ask, I have no answers. I just know that it's addictive...
3. 2 Broke Girls
This is Husband's show. I can't stand the way Max smacks her gum but it has its moments though.
4. Don't Trust the B in Apt 23
A find from Hulu. It is raunchy and inappropriate and completely hilarious.

On the bubble:
-Bones
I've always had a love/hate relationship with this show... it just seems like the writer's have given up now that the 2 main characters have hooked up and their chemistry is just gone...

Summer Loves:
1. Supernatural
I love this show so much... We spent the vast majority of summer obsessing over this smart and clever CW show. Thank you Netflix.
2. Castle
Oh Nathan Fillion, I adore you. I love everything about this show, although I'm not sure I've been this frustrated waiting for 2 characters to hook up since Chuck.

Newbies: (Most of these are Husband's picks...)

1. Revolution
2. Ben & Kate
3. Go On
4. New Normal
5. Animal Practice
This is the only show I really wanted to add to our viewing. I work in a vet hospital and I adore Justin Kirk so it was destined for me to watch this...
6. Arrow
7. Guys with Kids
8. Chicago Fire
9. Elementary

It should be an interesting fall and I couldn't be more excited.

My fertility struggle...

I sent my "secret" to a friend a few months ago.

I was feeling frustrated and sad.

I wasn't feeling honest at the time.

He wrote back with kind words but if he did see past the surface he never said.

I mean why would he see what I really meant?

It's not like I've been honest about what has been happening in my life with too many people.

Only a very small group knew the truth.

So what's the truth?

The truth is I'm 30, Husband and I have been married for 8 years and we've been trying to have kids for over 3 years now.

There I said it.

Now all I want to do is delete this draft and pretend it never happened.

To return to my snarky persona and act like having kids is the worst thing imaginable.

I can't though.

It's killing me inside.

I'm not writing this blog because I want people to feel sorry for me. Or even that I'm looking for advice. I'm writing this because not being honest and open is killing me. People don't understand why I bristle so much when the subject of kids come up. The truth is, the topic is so painful and raw that sarcasm is the only way for me to hold it together. I get angry and defensive when asked because it hurts so bad.

Let me back up.

Before I met Husband I never wanted kids. I still didn't want kids even after we met. Even getting married didn't really change that. To be fair I was young. I had just turned 20 when we met, we married shortly because I turned 22 and in all fairness I wasn't ready to be a mother. I still really enjoyed my freedom and being irresponsible.

It wasn't until one of my dearest friends started trying to get pregnant that I felt that faint twinge of longing, I was 26. A few months because I turned 27 we threw caution to the wind and stop using birth control. We were convinced it would be easy. I mean after all, we were young. Every month I would start to panic... terrified of both being and not being pregnant. When my period would show I would temporarily be relieved before the sorrow would settle in.

Then the months started to drag on and the further we got from using birth control the sicker I got. I would be sidelined with cramps that left me draped around a toilet for a day. Convinced something was wrong I went to the doctor. I confessed that I was off birth control and concerned that the pain was a symptom of infertility. The doctor informed me that until I was willing to be serious about getting pregnant (i.e. using ovulation kits) then I should just go back on birth control since it kept the cramps under control. If not I would just have to take an insane amount of ibuprofen to try and keep myself functional. Despite my asking for tests and wanting more knowledge on the subject I was brushed aside. If only I had been more educated at the time.

So we continued down the path for another year or so. Eventually I started charting my fertility via temperature. Frustrated I went to another doctor with the express problem of infertility. I was tired of hiding and being timid about my desire for kids. Sitting in the room and being drilled about every detail of my sex life was uncomfortable. The woman made me feel awful when she insisted that we just weren't being intimate enough. Still this time my dear friend had armed me with some knowledge so I pressed for labwork to be done. I figured that should be easy, I mean if I was low on a certain hormone that should be easy enough to fix. The labwork came back normal despite my very abnormal temperature charting. The nurse called days later to say they would just script me out Clomid. I was not ok with that and asked how that would help me if my tubes happened to be blocked. (knowledge is power) I finally forced their hand into ordering me a dye test. The test came and went and surprisingly one of my tubes was blocked. A week or more after the test her nurse called and said they would just refer me to the fertility clinic.

During the course of me struggling to get answers Husband had some testing done as well. He was perfectly normal.

Sitting in the office for the fertility clinic last year I felt overwhelmed and anxious. After a brief chat with the doctor she said it sounded like I suffered from endometriosis and we should do a vaginal ultrasound. By the end of the visit we had scheduled surgery to fix the blocked tube and laser off any endometriosis. The surgery came and went, they fixed the tube that was blocked and lasered off the offending tissue. On our follow up visit she suggested A.I. if I still wasn't pregnant in a few months. Husband was leaving for Iraq the following month for a short deployment and that's when they suggested I do a few months of chemically induced menopause to prevent the endometriosis from returning while he was gone. That's when I hit my wall. I wasn't comfortable with the consequences of menopause nor would we be able to pay for A.I. since it isn't covered by insurance.

And that's where we left it. A year has come and gone and I still haven't been able to get pregnant. Apathy has set back in. As the months have passed the cramps have returned and now I'm terrified to go back. Afraid to be told I'm out of options that I'm comfortable with.

Meanwhile I watch those around me get pregnant and I try to be happy for them. The truth is though that their joy makes me bitter and realizing my bitterness only makes it worse. I find myself wondering what makes them so special. What I'm doing wrong. I try to feel thankful that I have a loving/amazing Husband. Try to feel thankful that I have options and the freedom to do things. It just doesn't seem like enough. It feels like something is missing. No matter how much I complain when my dear friend's son acts out and see how tired she is at the end of the day. It's what I want.

We took a cruise for my 30th birthday. We had dinner with strangers. One was a newlywed couple eager to make babies. Then there was the other couple. On the last night the woman revealed that they had been trying to conceive for 3 years with no luck and they took the cruise to get away from the frustration. I nearly burst into tears. I wanted to reach out and hold the woman's hand, tell her I understand exactly what she meant. But I couldn't. Instead I looked at Husband with tears in my eyes and lowered my head hoping nobody noticed. I evaded the baby questions from the newlyweds. That's when I realized I had to stop hiding because I missed a chance to connect.

Fertility is a sensitive subject. People think that my uterus is fair game. They think it's their right to ask about its status and pry and tell me I'm not getting any younger. I've even had people go so far as to assume there's something wrong with my marriage and that's why we don't have kids. I don't think people who've never experienced this time of pain can understand why their comments can be so cutting.

In the meantime I try to not feel so broken. So worthless. So defective. The truth is though... I feel bitter & broken. I try to reshape my dreams into ones that don't involve kids but it feels so hollow.

So there you have it. My wounds are exposed. Maybe now they can heal.

Concert-going...

Last week the Husband and I went concert going.

It's one of our favorite things to do.
Our first official date was a concert.
(August 2002, Vanessa Carlton, Third Eye Blind & Goo Goo Dolls)

(We look so young and innocent)
(I mean it was only almost 10 years ago)
Our love affair with music is one of our most sacred bonds.
(In my opinion)
(Outside of Doctor Who)
(Which reminds me, he wants to put a Tardis decal on my car... because I don't get enough grief already)

When it comes to music I'd say we are 99% compatible. It probably has to do something with him being extremely easy going and me being very persistent. (Although we were together for something like 5 years before I realized he doesn't like The Beatles) (I'm not sure how we survived that revelation)

However, this past concert was a reminder that I'm starting to get old.

I mean the earplugs say it all really...
(On the bright side I could sleep that night because my ears didn't feel like they were going to bleed so there's that...)
(My feet on the other hand? That's a completely different story)

The lineup this time was, in our opinion, one of epic-ness.
My Darkest Days (Eh...), Seether (Yay!), Bush (I nearly fainted) & Nickelback (Yay!)

Side note: I get it. Nickelback is a polarizing band. You either hate them or you love them. Not many people are ambivalent. That being said I think some people on the negative end of the spectrum can be real assholes. For what it's worth we like them. Plus they put on a damn good show. I never fail to feel like I get my moneys worth. I can't say that for all bands. Pearl Jam/NIN I'm looking at you.... That being said if you don't like then please don't leave commentary telling me what terrible music taste I have. I respect your right to listen to music I find deplorable and I will gladly keep my mouth shut.

Needless to say, the night was epic.
I rocked my butt off to Seether...

I swooned when Bush took the stage...

I yelled at the top of my lungs when Nickelback played.

It was awesome.
At the end of the night when we stumbled in the door, achy and tired, we were still grinning like idiots.
There's something to be said for that.

I'm not ashamed.

I have an obsession.

And what's more I'm not ashamed.

I love Doctor Who.

Plain and simple.

And I'm not the only one

Before this silly British sci-fi show came into my life I didn't even like the genre of sci-fi.

I was leery.

I had a friend that insisted I would love it.

Then it showed up on Netflix.

I said what the hell.
After all, Netflix said I'd like it.

Thus began my decent into complete geekdom.

The show is so smart, witty, and about more then monsters and time travel.

One of my favorite quotes: "The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice-versa, the
bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things and make them
unimportant." - Vincent & the Doctor

I believe in the interconnectedness of the universe. I believe that we stumbled across this show when we absolutely needed. (The reality is my friend had been bugging me for months to watch it)
Sometimes you just need a break from reality.

This show has been so important to me over the last year that words fail me when I try to explain it. Husband gets it. He may roll his eyes when he sees charges from ebay on our bank statement but he gets it.
Maybe one day the words won't fail me.
Until then I'll just smile when people shake their heads at my devotion.

I like squash. A lot.

I'm currently obsessed with squash and zucchini. 

I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that they can be found in abundance at the local farmer's markets. 

Or that they are just delicious. 

The fact remains that I love them. 

It's almost unnatural.

It's not like I go outside, stomp around our veggie garden yelling "grow dammit" at my plants.

Because that would be weird.

And I'm totally normal.

Right.

This is a something I made a few weeks ago. 

I went to the Farmer's market without a clue...

Then I saw the huge baskets of squash/zucchini and the lovely $3 price tag...

Everything after that was a blur.

Husband came home and asked the dangerous question, "What's for dinner?"

I simply shrugged and said, "An experiment."

I dubbed it "Farmer's Market Mish-Mash".

Husband ate two large helpings and promptly burped. 

He claims it was the highest compliment possible.

The "recipe" is as follows...
-Find white rice that you impulsively bought at the bulk bins at Whole Food, Google how to cook it (yes I realize I'm almost 30 and don't know how to cook rice)... set aside.
-Dice up some white onion and cook for a few minutes in olive oil until good and stinky (fragrant, whatever)
-Add squash, zucchini & tomato... season with black pepper (or something else if you are not lazy like me)... let simmer for however long you have the patience for... I think I did 10 minutes because I was engrossed in a Big Bang rerun...
-Put rice in bowl and pour the veggies with juices on top.
-Eat.

(Everything but the rice was bought locally and trust me, it just tastes better)

This was tonight's experiment.

I was daydreaming while at lunch with my bestie.

Naturally my thoughts turned to squash and zucchini because I'm a huge dork.

(Seriously I don't know how I lived to be almost 30 without eating more of these delicious plants)

(Life before this discovery seems very dark...)

Anyway while perusing the isles for food my friend asks what I'm getting for dinner.

I'm sure you can guess that I shrugged and said "an experiment".

It was good.

(Never mind the fact that I forgot to get Husband mushrooms)

((I mean, seriously? They are gross))

((They are a fungus after all) )

(Or that I had to cook with canola oil instead of olive oil because I'm a huge spaz when I grocery shop)

(And maybe a touch forgetful)

So yea, here's this version...

-It's basically the same directions as before...

-Only I added red bell pepper in with the onion

-And I added a can of rinsed (this is very important) black beans at the end. 

-And I added a lot more pepper. Because I like pepper. And I'm too lazy to figure out other spices. 

It's an interesting experiment we have going on in our house.
Life is far more simple without dairy.
Now if only my garden would hurry up and grow, dammit grow.

From the Marriage Chronicles...

2 weeks ago Husband and I celebrated 8 years of legal togetherness. 

It's funny how time flies. 

It seems like only yesterday we looked like this...

 Now we look like this...

Well actually we look more like this...

We're mature. Really mature. 

(At least I didn't post the picture of me using the camera to see if there was anything in my teeth...)

---------------

Sunday night we attended a wedding for one of my dear co-workers.
The reverend is giving the couple some advice and says, "Most importantly never go to bed mad."
Husband and I look at each other and roll our eyes.
Sometimes you need to go to bed to get some perspective.
And avoid murder charges.

--------------

Last night we were driving around when Husband saw a church billboard that said something along the lines of respecting the one who drives out the demons. The following conversation happens...

Him: "Do they mean Sam & Dean? or Constantine?"

Me: "Or do they mean on occasion Doctor Who?"

We both collapse into a pile of (very mature) laughter...

------------

Me: "Guess what? I made it 5 whole days without getting any Starbucks before work.."

Him: "That's great dear... let's go get some Starbucks."

Me: "Ok!"

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It's the little things in life...